Positively Speaking: 167 Words of Wisdom and Life Lessons Heard Over the Years

1. To change everything, simply change your attitude.
2. A friend is a person who knows all about you, but likes you anyway.
3. Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people's bad manners.
4. The less people know about you, the less they have to talk about.
5. It is my observation that too many of us are spending money we have earned to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't like.
6. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
7. To be bitter is to waste precious moments of a life that's already too short.
8. No one is guaranteed happiness. Life just gives each person time and space. It's up to us to fill it with JOY.
9. Job security is being worth more than you're getting paid.
10. Almost all of our unhappiness is the result of comparing ourselves to others.
11. You wouldn't be worried about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do.
12. Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking. 
13. Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
14. 5 rules to be happy: 1) Free your heart from hatred; 2) Free your mind from worry; 3) Live simply; 4) Expect less and 5) Give more
15. Always take a chance. The end result may not always be what you hope for but at least you'll never go through life wondering "what if..." and "if only..."
16. The real test of true love is having all the things go wrong but still having a special way to love despite all the wrong things that may happen.
17. Love is not a word to say when we feel guilty nor the right word to say when we like a person, but love really matters when we share our thoughts, our minds and our hearts.
18. A soul mate is someone who brings out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.
19. Give openly and without expectation.
20. Love what you're doing at this second. Worry about the rest later - or never.
21. Give others the benefit of the doubt. 
22. Love knows no strangers. Treat everyone as a friend-to-be.
23. Give attention to what and whom you most hold dear.
24. Live each day as though it's your first.
25. Love and accept people for who they are.
26. Live like the world is upside down because maybe it is.
27. No man is worth your tears and the only one who is will never make you cry.
28. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
29. If someone says something unkind about me, live so that no one will believe it.
30. Make someone's day by simply sending them a note.
31. The greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his/her need to cast blame on others.
32. No matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life goes on and it will be better tomorrow. 
33. If you pursue happiness, it will elude you. If you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. 
34. Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
35. Whenever you decide something with an open heart, usually the right decision is made.
36. Everyday reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
37. You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
38. Love...and you shall be loved.
39. It's important for parents to live the same things they teach.
40. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.
41. Happy memories never wear out...relive them as often as you want.
42. The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.
43. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
44. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
45. The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.
46. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
47. We often take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for. 
48. Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others. 
49. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have and where you are.
50. Remember, it's not your job to get people to like you; it's your job to like people. 
51. Believe in miracles, but don't depend on them.
52. What you do today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.
53. Don't forget that we are ultimately judged by what we give, not by what we get.
54. When someone lets you down, don't give up on him.
55. Remember that loving words quickly heal. 
56. Seek respect rather than popularity.
57. Don't let the odds keep you from pursuing what you were meant to do. 
58. Be willing to accept a temporary inconvenience for a permanent improvement.
59. Protect your enthusiasm from the negativity of others.
60. To help your children turn out well, spend twice as much time and half the money.
61. When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell him/her so.
62. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
63. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
64. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
65. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
66. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
67. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
68. Spend some time alone every day.
69. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
70. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
71. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
72. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
73. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
74. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
75. Be gentle with the earth.
76. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
77. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
78. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 
79. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
80. Genuine friendship is not measured by time but is measured by acceptance. A friend is one where even though you reflect the silver, he/she sees the GOLD. 
81. The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand. 
82. When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.
83. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means.
84. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
85. You can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.
86. What the heart gives away is never gone...it is kept in the hearts of other. 
87. The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life, there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go...the chance might never come your way again.
88. It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend so much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.
89. When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, accept the faults and overlook excuses.
90. You never lose in loving. You only lose in holding back. 
91. It's so funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our minds, we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception.
92. The greatest challenge in our life is to find someone who knows our flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces you with so much love.
93. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but more painful is to love and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel. 
94. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so when we finally meet the right person, we know how to be grateful for that gift. 
95. Love is taking away the feeling, passion, and romance and finding out you still care about that person.
96. The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
97. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who have searched and tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
98. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you were smiling; live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying.
99. When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that's been open all along.
100. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit with, never saying a word then walking away feeling like it's the best conversation you ever had. 
101. It's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 
102. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts and if it doesn't simply be content it grew in yours. 
103. Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even if they've been hurt before.
104. Don't go for looks, it can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who can make you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright.
105. Always put yourself in others' shoes; if you feel it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
106. The beginning of love is to let those we love be themselves and not twist them into someone else-otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
107. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
108. Always leave loved ones with loving words; it make be the last time you see them.
109. Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
110. Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
111. A best friend is someone you can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
112. True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
113. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
114. Maturity has more to do with types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
115. No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you once in awhile and you must forgive them for that.
116. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
117. Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
118. Just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
119. Don't be so eager to find out a secret; it could change your life forever.
120. Two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
121. Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
122. Credentials on a wall do not make anyone a decent human being.
123. Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
124. If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
125. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
126. Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
127. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
128. Keep learning. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." The devil's name is Depression.
129. EnJOY the simple things.
130. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive.
131. Surround yourself with what you love.
132. Laugh often, long and loud.
133. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
134. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next country, a foreign country, but not to guilt country.
135. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.
136. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
137. It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
138. Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
139. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
140. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them.
141. Look at the sunny side of everything.
142. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
143. Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
144. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements of the future.
145. Give everyone a smile.
146. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.
147. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
148. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
149. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you age, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
150. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
151. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
152. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
153. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
154. Believe in love at first sight.
155. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
156. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
157. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
158. Don't judge people by their relatives.
159. Talk slowly but think quickly.
160. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
161. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
162. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
163. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 
164. Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble.
165. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
166. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
167. The JOY you bring to others is the JOY that comes back to you.

Which ones are your favorite?

Motivational Message

Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last.   Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think. 
  We will not be on this earth forever.   One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make payment to our loan. 
  We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy a house or a car. 
  At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. 

When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up. 

When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. 
  If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that he may bless you in everything that you do. Ask him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank him anyway.

Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you. 

When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body.

If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank him anyway for life, and ask him to heal your body.

So the next time that you get mad, think twice. 
  The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. The next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice.

Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. 
  Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. 
  Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back. 
  Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals.

No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better.   If you are depressed, don't cry, just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through. Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but he WILL do it if you just believe in him.

God may not show up when YOU want him to, but he's ALWAYS right on time. God will not give us more than we can bear.   Sometimes he will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what he says.

The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last. 

Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank him anyway.

He died so that we could have life on this earth.  

As the Bible says in Psalms

118:24 -- This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!
118:1 and 29 -- Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good;  For his love endures forever.

Simple Handbook

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/ her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your innermost is always happy. So, be happy.

Life Is Good

This is kind of long, but with a beautiful
and practical message. Could
be our checklist, too. Enjoy and God bless.

WHAT CONSTITUTES A GOOD LIFE?
by Jim Rohn

The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck.
The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes.
The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home.

Here's the ultimate expression of life in my opinion, and that is living a good life. Here's what we must ask constantly,  "What for me would be a good life?"
And you have to keep going over and over the list.

A list including areas such as spirituality, economics, health, relationships and recreation. What would constitute a good life? I've got a short list.

1. Number one, PRODUCTIVITY. You won't be happy if you don't produce. The game of life is not rest. We must rest, but only long enough to gather strength to get back to productivity. What's the reason for the seasons and the seeds, the soil and the sunshine, the rain and the miracle of life? It's to see what you can do with it. To try your hand, other people have tried their hand; here's what they did. You try your hand to see what you can do. So part of life is productivity.

2. Next are GOOD FRIENDS. Friendship is probably the greatest support system in the world. Don't
deny yourself the time to develop this support system. Nothing can match it. It's extraordinary in its benefit. Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you. I just  lost one of my dearest friends. He died at age 53 - heart attack. David is gone, but he was one of my very special friends. I used to say of David that if I was stuck in a foreign jail somewhere accused unduly and if they would allow me one phone call, I would call David. Why? He would come and get me. That's a friend. Somebody who would come and get you. Now we've all got casual friends. And if you called them they would say, "Hey, if you get back, call me we'll have a party." So you've got to have both, real friends and casual friends.

3. Next on the list of a good life is your CULTURE. Your language, your music, the ceremonies, the traditions, the dress. All of that is so vitally important that you must keep it alive. In fact it  is the uniqueness of all of us that when blended together brings vitality, energy, power, influence, uniqueness and rightness to the world.

4. Next is your religion, your SPIRITUALITY.It helps to form the foundation of the family that builds the nation.And make sure you study, practice and teach. Don't be careless about the spiritual part of your nature, it's what makes us who we are, different from animal, dogs, cats, birds and mice. Spirituality.

5. Next - here's what my parents taught me.DON'T MISS ANYTHING. Don't miss the game. Don't miss the performance, don't miss the movie, don't miss the show, don't miss the dance.Go to everything you possibly can.Buy a ticket to everything you possibly can. Go see everything and experience all you possibly can. That's what my parents taught me and it's served me so well to this day. Just before my father died at age 93, if you were to call him at 10:30 or 11:00 at night, he wouldn't be home. He was at the rodeo, he was
watching the kids play softball, he was listening to the concert, he was a church, he was somewhere every night. Live a vital life.Here's one of the reasons why. If you live well, you will earn well. If you live well it will show in your face, it will show in the texture of your voice. There will be something unique and magical about you if you live well. It will infuse not only your personal life but also your business life. And it will give you a vitality nothing else can give.

6. Next are your FAMILY and the INNER CIRCLE. Invest in them and they'll invest in you. Inspire them and they'll inspire you. With your inner circle, take care of the details.
When my father was still alive, I used to call him when I traveled. He'd have breakfast most every morning with the farmers. Little place called The Decoy Inn out in the country where we lived in Southwest Idaho. So Papa would go there and have breakfast and I'd call him just to give him a special day. Now if I was in Israel, I'd have to get up in the middle of the night, but it only took five minutes, ten minutes. So I'd call Papa and they'd bring him the phone. I'd say, "Papa, I'm in Israel." He'd say, "Israel! Son, how are things in Israel?" He'd talk real loud so everybody could hear - my son's calling me from Israel. I'd say, "Papa last night they gave me a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." He'd say, "Son, a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." Now everybody knows the story. It only took 5 - 10 minutes, but what a special day for my father, age 93. If a father walks out of the house and he can still feel his daughter's kiss on his face all day, he's a powerful man. If a husband walks out of the house and he can still feel the imprint of his wife's arms around his body, he's invincible all day. It's the special stuff with the inner circle that makes you strong and powerful and influential. So don't miss that opportunity. Here's the greatest value. The prophet said, "There are many virtues and values,
but here's the greatest, one person caring for another."

There is no greater value than LOVE. Better to live in a tent on the beach with someone you love than to live in a mansion by yourself. One person cares for another, that's one of life's greatest expressions. So make sure in your busy day to remember the true purpose and the reasons you do what you do. May you truly live the kind of life that will bring the fruit and rewards that you desire.

LIFE IS AN ECHO.
WHAT YOU SEND OUT,
YOU GET BACK.
WHAT YOU GIVE, YOU
RECEIVE.
WHEN YOU BRING OUT THE
BEST IN OTHERS,
YOU BRING OUT THE BEST
IN YOURSELF.

The Law of the Seed

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the tree, each with ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds. We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more trees?" Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once. This might mean:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job. You'll interview forty people to find one good employee. You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, car, vacuum cleaner, ;insurance policy, or idea. And you might meet a hundred acquaintances to find one special friend. When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims. Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them - and work with them.

Successful people fail more often. They plant more seeds. When Things Are Beyond Your Control, Here's a recipe for permanent misery:

a) Decide how you think the world SHOULD be.
b) Make rules for how everyone SHOULD behave. Then, when the world doesn't obey your rules, get angry! That's what miserable people do! 

Let's say you expect that: Friends SHOULD return favors. People SHOULD appreciate you. Planes SHOULD arrive on time. Everyone SHOULD be honest. Your husband SHOULD remember your birthday. These expectations may sound reasonable. But often, these things won't happen! So you end up frustrated and disappointed. There's a better strategy. Have less demands. Instead, have preferences! For things that are beyond your control, tell yourself: "I WOULD PREFER "A", BUT IF "B" HAPPENS, IT'S OK TOO!" This is really a game that you play in your head. It is a shift in attitude, and it gives you more peace of mind. You prefer that people are polite ... but when they are rude, it doesn't ruin your day. You prefer sunshine ... but rain is ok! To become happier, we either need to a) change the world, or b) change our thinking. It is easier to change our thinking! IN A NUTSHELL It's not what happens to you that determines your happiness.  It's how you think about what happens to you.

Protect Your Faithfulness

• Wear your wedding ring

• Don't flirt

• Don't be alone with the opposite sex

• Avoid secrets

• Let your spouse know the where's, when's, who's and
why's of your schedule

• Never look at pornography

Absolute Faithfulness

Some implications of absolute faithfulness...

• We will save our hearts for each other
• We will keep our promise of loyalty
• We will not seek comfort from a competitor
• We will let no one come between us
• We will realize we are not our own


Read More
http://www.growthtrac.com/discover/q0801/

Five Ways to Be the Husband God Wants You to Be

By Stormie Omartian

In the Bible, God commands, "All of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous" (1 Peter 3:8). Paying heed to these five directives can change your life and your marriage and make you the man and husband God wants you to be. It's definitely something well worth praying about.

1. Be of One Mind It's horrible to have strife in a marriage. It makes us miserable. It affects every area of our lives. And it's probably the closest thing to hell we'll ever know on earth. If it goes on long enough, it can destroy everything. Jesus said, "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand" (Matthew 12:25). Those are frightening predictions. But prayer is the key by which unity in the marriage relationship can be maintained.

A man and wife cannot live entirely independently of one another without paying a steep price for it. It makes them incomplete. "Neither is a man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11). But because men and women are different, it's quite easy for them to get off onto completely separate paths. Even in the closest of marriages, the two partners are still not joined at the hip. You and your wife may have separate work, interests, and activities, but if you are praying with and for one another regularly, it will keep you in tune and on the same path. Without this unity of mind and spirit that prayer provides, it's too easy to get used to the other one not being there. And if resentment about that creeps into the heart of either one of you, you can begin to hold yourself apart from one another mentally, physically, or emotionally, without even realizing it.

It is especially important to be of the same faith and beliefs. In fact, this is a good place to begin praying. Your entire relationship is compromised if you are not on the same page in this area. For example, going to separate churches, or going to a church where one of you is not happy, or one of you going to church while the other one consistently does not, all promote a lack of unity.

If you can think of other issues such as this that have caused division between you and your wife, pray specifically about them. Ask God to change your heart where necessary to bring you into unity with your wife. Where your wife's attitude and perspective need to change, pray for her to be able to change them. Your marriage will be a strong force for good if the two of you are of one mind.

2. Be Compassionate Have you ever seen your wife suffering, but you don't know what to do about it? Some men become impatient with that. Others feel so at a loss or overwhelmed by it that it causes them to withdraw. If you recognize that happening to you, ask God to give you a heart of compassion. To be compassionate toward your wife is to have a deep sympathy for any area in which she suffers and to have a strong desire to alleviate that suffering.

Part of being compassionate has to do with simply listening. That means being able to listen without having that faraway look in your eyes that says, "I have more important things to do. Let's get this over with quickly." Your wife is not expecting you to fix everything. She just needs to know that you hear her heart and care about how she feels.

In the past my husband would stand still and listen to me for no more than three seconds (I timed this) before he would walk out of the room. If I wanted him to hear a complete sentence, I either had to run after him or finish the sentence the next time I saw him. Even when I did get him to actually sit down and look at me while I was speaking, I still had to ask him to give me some indication that he comprehended what I was saying. Usually I said something like "Blink if you can hear me." When he blinked, it meant so much to know he had heard my voice. Now he has a heart for my struggles, and he listens with care. Those moments of listening and indicating compassion have been healing to our relationship.

Pray that God will give you a heart of compassion toward your wife and the patience to listen to her when she needs you to do so. It's a fine art worth cultivating. It can get you places with her where you've dreamed of being.

3. Be Loving Jesus loves us with fidelity, purity, constancy, and passion no matter how imperfect we are. If a man doesn't love his wife in that same way, he will abuse his authority and his headship and as a result will abuse her. Because you are one with your wife, you must treat her the way you would your own body. You wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt or destroy it. You love it and care for it. "Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself" (Ephesians 5:33).

Jack Hayford, our pastor for 23 years, always said he could tell when a woman was truly loved by her husband, because she grew more beautiful as the years went on. He recognized an inner beauty that doesn't fade, but rather increases with time when a woman is loved.

You have no idea how much your love means to your wife. Don't withhold it from her, or one way or another you will lose her. The Bible says, "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so" (Proverbs 3:27). Ask God to increase your love for your wife and enable you to show it in a way that makes her beautiful.

4. Be Tenderhearted Is there anything about your wife that bothers you? Is there something that she does or says, or doesn't do or say, that irritates you? Do you find yourself wanting to change something about her? What happens when you try to make those changes occur? How does she respond when you show your irritation? Have you ever just given up and said, "It's no use. She's never going to be any different"?

The truth is, we all have a hard time changing. Try as we may, we can't change ourselves in any significant way. Only God can make changes in us that last. Only His power can transform us. That's why prayer is a more tender and more certain way to see changes happen in your wife.

For example, does your wife always run late, while you like to be on time? She's probably not doing it on purpose. She may either be a poor judge of time or else she is trying to do too much. Pray that God will help her to organize things better or not take on more than she can handle, or that she will gain a clearer concept of time. Above all, don't let anger, harshness, or demeaning attitudes creep in. Criticism intended to make your wife change doesn't work. It will never give you the results you want. The only thing that works is prayer.

So rather than be impatient with your wife's weaknesses, ask God to give you a tender heart so you can pray for her about them. Ask Him to show you how they are a complement to your strengths. And remember that, though the ways you and your wife are the same can unite you, the ways you are different can keep things interesting.

5. Be Courteous Do you ever talk to your wife in a way that would be considered rude if you were speaking to a friend or business associate? Are you kind to everyone all day at work, but then you take out your frustration, exhaustion, and anger on your wife when you get home? Do you ever allow criticism of your wife to come out of your mouth in front of other people? If so, as a sister in the Lord who deeply cares about both you and your wife, allow me to give you your first serious assignment in this book:

STOP THAT!

Marriage is hard enough without one of the parties being rude, cruel, or inconsiderate. Nothing makes a marriage feel more like hell on earth. Nothing is more upsetting, defeating, tormenting, suffocating, or emotion-provoking, nothing does more to bring out the worst in us, than a marriage where one of the partners is lacking in common courtesy. I have heard of more marriages dissolving because the wife had been treated rudely for so long that she felt herself becoming resentful, angry, bitter, and hopeless. In other words, she was turning into the kind of person she never wanted to be. We have to care enough about our mates to stop doing things that hurt or upset them.

Taken from The Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie Omartian; Copyright © 2001 by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon 97402; Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR; Used by Permission.

How to Manage Conflict

• Keep short accounts. This serves to minimize the pent-up
emotions that lead to anger.

• Think before you speak. If you dump the whole emotional
load first, without thinking, you'll spend more time than
you care to imagine cleaning up the mess.

• Describe how you feel. Preferably in a controlled tone of
voice; you're likely to create a cooler atmosphere.

• Seek resolution quickly. Anger left to fester becomes a deep
emotional infection that only gets worse as time passes.


Related Articles
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/08.php

Building Blocks to a Stronger Marriage

The Ten Building Blocks...


• Lifelong Commitment
• Shared Identity
• Absolute Faithfulness
• Well-Defined Roles
• Unreserved Love
• Mutual Submission
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Open Communication
• Tender Respect
• Spiritual Companionship



Read More
http://www.growthtrac.com/discover/q0801/

With Friends Like That...

Beware of Friends Who

• Are negative about marriage
• Don't respect your spouse
• Think they are better than your spouse
• Don't like spending time with your spouse
• Have a different value system
• Are too demanding on your time
• Take much more than they give
• Constantly are in crisis
• Are of the opposite sex

The ABC's of a Healthy Marriage

A--ALLOW FOR DIFFERENCES--As humans we are all created differently. We are also wired differently to make decisions and express emotions. As men and women, we also have very different needs. Rather than judging one another on our differences we had to learn to appreciate and work with our differences. A wonderful resource that helped us was the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.
B--BE LOVING--Mark and I found that some of our problems were happening because we were expressing love to one another in the way we wanted it expressed to us. But not necessarily in the way the other one needed to hear it. We all need to be able to receive and express love. But again, we are all created differently. It's been found that there are 5 Love Languages that people "speak": Physical Touch and Closeness, Gift Giving, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Encouraging Words are all ways we give and receive love. We were missing the boat because we were speaking a foreign language to one another. We had to learn to speak our spouses "love language". Once again a book helped us think through this: The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.
C--COMMUNICATE DAILY--In the season of small children, it's easy to fall into the trap of talking about nothing but "diapers and dishes". But to keep a marriage strong, communication needs to include feelings, emotions, and dreams. We need to be able to talk about how we're really doing. We need to talk about struggles. And we need to solve problems as a team.
D--DATE REGULARLY--The dating years allow us to focus just on our loved one. Now that we're knee deep in marriage, diapers, and housework we forget about the need to stop and focus on our spouse. But it needs to happen. If not, the children come between us and when the children are gone we find we have little in common. We have found that by picking one night of the week and by having a consistent babysitter who just plans on every Thursday night, date nights are a reality. When we've not been able to afford a sitter, we've found another couple to trade with. We've also found that our relationship doesn't do well without those times to stop and focus on one another.
E-EVALUATE YOUR PAST--Everyone comes into the marriage relationship with ideas, thoughts, traditions, strengths, and struggles that they picked up from the home they grew up in. Some of these are beneficial to continue in our "new family". Others we need to toss out and determine to do differently. Mark grew up in a family that handled conflict at a high decibel level and I came from a home that never admitted they had conflict. We both needed to evaluate our past as it related to conflict management. We needed to come up with a new plan that was far more healthy than what we each knew.
F-FORGIVE--Forgiveness is a choice. It's something we have to do, it's not usually something we want to do. It's something we do in exchange for continued anger, revenge, and snide remarks. It brings closure to hurt and conflict. Do we forget when we forgive? No. Do we determine to let go of the desire to hurt the other person back? Yes. We had to learn to add forgiveness to apology. Instead of "I'm sorry" it became "I'm sorry will you please forgive me?" Then the injured partner has the ability to bring closure with "I forgive you". Sometimes we even have to make a decision to forgive when the other person doesn't ask for it.
I once heard a couple who was struggling say, "Marriage shouldn't be such hard work. We're not made for each other. It should be easier." But reality is that marriage is hard work and if we're unwilling to work hard to make it work it probably won't last. It takes time, effort, and lots of energy to keep the marriage flame burning. But it is so worth it! I can truly say that those years of struggles through the "for worse" have made us really appreciate the "for better" part!

12 Good Points to Ponder

Twelve Good Thoughts


1.  Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before
  meeting the right one so that when we finally
meet the right person, we
  will know how to be grateful for that gift.

  2.  Love is when you take away the feeling,
the passion, and
  the romance in a relationship and find out
that you still care for that
  person.

  3.  When the door of happiness closes, another
opens but often
  times we look so long at the closed door that
we don't see the one which
  has been opened for us.

  4.  The best kind of friend is the kind you
can sit on a porch
  and swing with never say a word, and then walk
away feeling like it was
  the best conversation you've ever had.

  5.  It's true that we don't know what we've
got until we lose
  it, but it's also true that we don't know what
we've been missing until
  it arrives.

    6. There are things you'd love to hear that
you would never
  hear from the person who you would like to
hear from, but don't be so
  deaf as not to hear it from the one who says
it from their heart.

  7.  Don't go for looks, they can deceive.
 Don't go for wealth,
  in the end it fades away.  Go for someone who
makes you smile because it
  takes only a smile to make a dark day seem
bright.

    8.  Dream what you want to dream, go where
you want to go, be
  what you want to be,

    9.  A careless word may kindle strife, a
cruel word may wreck
  a life, a timely word may level stress, a
loving word may heal and
  bless.

    10.  The happiest of people don't
necessarily have the best of
  everything, they just make the most of
everything that comes
  along their way.

    11.  Happiness lies for those who cry, those
who hurt, those
  who have searched and those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate
  the importance of people who have touched
their lives.

  12.   The brightest future will always be
based on a forgotten
  past, you can't go on well in life until you
let go of your past
  failures and heartaches.




______________________________

Ten Biblical Rules for a Happy Marriage

1. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37).

2. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? (Mark 8:36)
3. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry (Ephesians 4:26).

4. At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse. Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).

5. Never meet without an affectionate welcome. Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine (Song of Solomon 1:2).

6. "For richer or poorer" - rejoice in every moment that God has given you together. A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate (Proverbs 15:17).

7. If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them (Proverbs 3:27).

8. If they're breathing, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive. I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him (Luke 17:3,4).

9. Don't use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it (John 3:17).

10. Let love be your guidepost. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1 Cor. 13:4,5).

Dealing With Anger

By Dr. Jeff Parziale
Do you have a temper? Are you frustrated? Do you lose your cool over little things? Do you have “road rage?” Do you feel angry most of the time? Do you try to control your anger, but have times when it comes out and hurts others? Do you care about someone who is angry all the time and find yourself becoming angry or frustrated? Do you say or do things that you later regret? If any of these are true, than this worksheet is for you.

Everyone gets angry, but not everyone handles his or her anger in a healthy way. To understand anger, we need to look at our feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Anger is multifaceted and our outer reaction (what people see) is based on deeply-held beliefs (inside) about who we are and how life should be. For example, the following four statements represent the main ideas angry people generally hold. Are these true for you?

• “It is wrong/awful/horrible/terrible/unfair to be treated the way you treat me.”
• “I can’t stand your treating me in such an irresponsible and unjust manner.”
• “You should not, must not, ever behave that way toward me.” (entitlement)
• “Because you have acted in that manner toward me, you are a terrible person who deserves to be treated poorly by me. (non-responsibility)

Notice the relationship between these four statements. Besides the negativity, they all suggest extreme rigidity and a tendency to merge the action (being angry) with the person (the alleged source of our anger). These statements also involve personalization— assuming the behavior of the other is meant to upset you on purpose. In failing to separate a person from his or her action, we imply that only a certain type of person (stupid, bad, mean, selfish, etc) could do something that angers us. It separates us from responsibility for our anger. It places anger “outside” of us, as something done to us, as opposed to a response that we have chosen. It’s as if our anger and rage is something someone else “deserves.” Remember anger is a feeling. We can choose what we will “do” with this feeling.

Anger Inventory(Check the statements that apply to you)

• I am often impatient
• I often have critical (negative) thoughts about others.
• When I am upset with someone I may shut down any communication and withdraw.
• I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not seem to understand my
• Tension mounts within me when I tackle (or interrupted during) a demanding task.
• I feel frustrated when I see someone else having fewer struggles than I do.
• When facing an important event, I may obsessively ponder how I must manage it.
• Sometimes I walk in another direction to avoid seeing someone I do not like.
• When discussing a controversial subject, my tone of voice is likely to become loud, I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I have a hard time accepting someone who refuses to admit his or her own weaknesses.
• When I talk about my irritations, I don’t really want to hear an opposite point of view.
• I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.
• When someone confronts me from a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as he or she speaks.
• Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.
• I can be quite aggressive in my pursuits or even when playing a game just for fun.
• When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.
• At times I struggle with moods of depression or discouragement.
• When someone speaks ill of me, I react with defensiveness.
• I act kindly on the outside, while frustrated on the inside.
• I often blame others for my problems.
• I struggle emotionally with things in life that aren’t fair.
• At times I have an “I don’t care” attitude toward the needs of others.
• I use sarcasm or cynicism in expressing humor.
• I sometimes say things without thinking of the consequences.
• I dislike being told what to do. I dislike waiting in lines.
• I am often impatient with those I feel are not as smart as I am.
• I struggle with insecurity or fear. I generally always want my own way.
• I feel superior to most people.
• There are certain things I feel I deserve.
• Driving brings out my anger and frustration.

If you checked more than 5, you have an anger problem; read on.

The following are some important aspects of anger.

• Acting out our anger stems from our irrational and illogical belief that a person’s action equals the same thing as the person himself.
• Anger tends to overlap or extend onto other areas of our life. (It spills over).
• The depression and anxiety that result from increased tensions stemming from anger inhibit our effective performance in other aspects of life.
• Our anger responses, as well as depression and anxiety, may create negative responses from others that in turn make us highly self-critical, which in turn increases our levels of anger, depression and anxiety.
• The repetition of anger mixed with other emotions can create difficult tensions both within us and in our relationships with others.
• Anger often has a demand quality which suggests if you don’t act/feel/think a certain way, I have the right to be angry.
• Anger can quickly become violence if we believe the other person truly “deserves” our reaction. Anger and violence can be seen as the “fault” of the other person.
• It’s okay to feel anger. The Bible says, “Be angry but don’t sin.”

There are a few irrational beliefs that tend to predispose us to anger and other negative emotions. These beliefs are called irrational because it is almost impossible for us to make them happen.

How many of these are true for you?

• I must do well and win approval of others for my performance or else I will rate as a rotten person.
• Others must treat me considerately and kindly and in precisely the way I want them to treat me.
• Everything in life is black or white; there is no gray.
• The world (and the people in it) must arrange conditions under which I live so I get everything that I want when I want it.
• I must be perfect in everything I do. I have to be the best.
• It’s terrible if someone dislikes me or finds fault with me.
• If I am angry it must be your fault; therefore any thing I say or do is your responsibility, not mine.
• Life is against me (life isn’t fair).
• Things should happen when and how I want them to.
• I must control things and people in my life to avoid bad things from happening to me. Some reasons we get angry; What are your reasons?
• We feel threatened in some critical way
• We have pent-up rage that is simply seeking an acceptable outlet
• Our intentions have been thwarted. Someone or something is blocking a goal
• We feel betrayed or we fear betrayal
• Our link to getting our needs met has been threatened or broken.
• We don’t have enough financial reserve
• We are releasing pain via anger
• We are embarrassed and use anger to express it
• We are repeating an anger pattern that we learned in childhood
• We have gotten our way before using anger, and we have somehow learned that anger “works”
• We need to control, or to self-protect
• We have unrealistic expectations

Releasing Anger 
Letting go of anger is a process. There are no magic solutions. It’s important to recognize how our inner beliefs contribute to our anger. Below are some important steps to managing your anger.

• Learn to recognize the many faces of anger in your life
• Admit that all angry expressions, good or bad, are the result of choice
• Take full responsibility for your anger and your behavior
• Let go of excessive dependencies so your anger management is inwardly directed rather than externally determined
• Choose to relinquish your cravings for control in exchange for freedom
• Ground yourself in truth by setting aside idealistic myths.
• Keep your lifestyle habits consistent with your emotional composure
• Live in humility rather than self-preoccupied pride
• Hold your defenses to a minimum; trust your healthy assertions
• Accept the inevitability of loneliness as you struggle to be understood
• Relate to others as equals, neither elevating yourself above them nor accepting a position of inferiority 
• • Pass along to the next generation your insights on anger
• Avoid the temptation to rationalize your anger; assume full responsibility for who you are and what you do
• Be accountable for your ongoing growth and open about your anger management.
• Work through your emotional wounds.
• Focus on God’s love-for you and others.

Anger and Relationships
Some individuals use anger to control their partner. They attack to control, manipulate and overpower. Domination is seen as a form of problem solving. A person who uses attack as a conflict resolution behavior is typically focused on someone or something outside of himself. The attacker considers himself as having little or no responsibility for, or power to improve the problem. The other person is at fault. The attacker’s anger and resulting behavior is a product of the other’s behavior, not theirs. Forcing the other person to change, by any means, is the only solution the attacker sees as viable. The language of the attacker is full of “you” messages and lots of “always” and “never” statements. “You made my angry” “You always...” “You never...” Relationships of this type are explosive, abusive and extremely unhealthy. The underlying issues are typically fear—of abandonment or rejection and control—needing to control others or needing not to be controlled by anyone or anything.

Observations about Anger 
Feeling angry is sometimes about feeling inadequate; doubting yourself, feeling insecure, uncertain or threatened. When angry, remember that you are a worthwhile person that is loved by God.

• When angry, stay focused on the problem you are wanting to solve. You may become angry when you "take things personally." When we interpret others' actions or words as personal insults, we become distracted from the task or problem at hand. Keep your attention focused on the issue and don't get distracted into an unnecessary conflict. .
• Sometimes we become angry out of mere habit, or by imitating another. If you have always become angry when the dishes were left in the sink overnight, you will become angry this morning in that same situation. If someone else is angry, we often protect ourselves by becoming angry too. Learn alternative ways of responding to "old cues" for anger. Flexibility in emotional response will allow you to be less inclined to react with anger.
• Learn to relax and breathe deeply at the first signs of emotional upset, especially when there is no realistic need for the internal cues that you are becoming upset. You can short-circuit the process before you allow yourself to build up a full head of angry steam.
• Learn to use your anger to support yourself and to work to your advantage. When you are becoming angry, use it as a your teacher. Learn from it. What is your anger saying to you?
• We often become angry when we feel "things are getting out of hand." If we have the need to be in charge, in control all the time, then any experience that we're "losing it” will provoke anger in an attempt to regain that sense of control. We forget that the best way to "take charge" is to be in control of ourselves.
• Frustration almost always breeds anger. When we are blocked in some effort to get what we want, anger bubbles up. If we learn there are always alternative ways of solving a problem and getting what we need in the world, we experience less frustration. We can define frustration as an opportunity to practice some other kind of solution to the difficulty we are experiencing.
• Sometimes anger can come from an “I need to get or I deserve” mindset. It helps to remember that we were placed on this earth to have a relationship with a holy God. Everything we are and everything we have comes from Him.
• Perhaps we can think of anger as a veneer, like the stuff that is used to cover wood and composition board. It is the hard surface that people develop (or use) to protect the much softer material underneath. Anger often covers our "core hurts," i.e. feeling: • disregarded • unimportant • accused • devalued • rejected • powerless • unlovable • untouchable

Which are true for you? You CAN learn to feel your anger and change how you are reacting.

The power is already yours. Don't waste any more time and energy “doing” anger. Angry behavior can be controlled. The first step is to “own” your anger. Yes, anger is a feeling—but we can control how we express it. There is no good reason for harming anyone or threatening or manipulating them with anger. People do not “deserve” your anger or angry behavior. Letting your anger control you will never help you achieve your goals. Angry behavior is always a choice. Allow yourself to see the other person as just that, a person. Give your self permission to feel your anger, yes even deeply; then decide how you will react.

Are You Really Ready For Love?

In our eight part series on readiness for love, we talked about having the capacity for love. We asked the challenging question: Are you capable of opening your heart to someone, allowing them to see your flaws and risking being hurt?

Now we move to the second quality needed to be ready for love—having the ability to see your mate realistically.

In the movie The Gold Rush Charlie Chaplin and another man have been trapped in an Arctic cabin by a huge snowstorm and have run out of food. As they approach starvation, Charlie’s companion suddenly perceives him as a giant chicken and pursues him with the intent of making a much-needed meal of him.

The scene is hilarious—yet offers a picture of what we often do in relationships. We cannibalize one another, trying futilely to get our mate to live up to our unrealistic expectations. Just as his companion’s hunger for food has distorted Charlie into a clucking source of protein, attachment hunger, or other childish needs, can distort your companion into a potential satisfier of such powerful needs that you fail to see them realistically.

For any relationship to survive, we must develop the ability to see the other person realistically. This is no small order, since it is natural to initially idealize another person—love is blind, or at least myopic. There is a joke that says at first we find an ideal, then experience an ordeal, and finally search for a new deal. I want to save you from some of that trouble.
The first step in breaking out of this vicious cycle of choosing the wrong person and being sorely disappointed, or picking a wonderful person and trying to change them, is to make sure you have healed from your own relationship wounds.

In my last article I shared about seeking a mate who would help me recover from rejection wounds. It didn’t work. No one could possibly fill my unrecognized attachment hunger. No one could heal my wounds but God and me, and of course the loving community of my family, friends and church.

We all know people who are either energy-takers, or energy-givers. The energy-takers are looking for someone to meet their needs. It is like they have this huge vacuum of need that sucks the life from their mate. These relationships, of course, are destined to fail. Are you an energy-taker, or an energy-giver?

When we approach relationships from a needy perspective, we inevitably idealize them, and they inevitably let us down. When they let us down we slip into being overly critical—thereby sabotaging the relationship. There are no perfect men or women that can take care of all your troubles. There are “help-mates,” fortunately, but that is a far cry from someone who rescues us from our troubles. Are you still healing from any rejection wounds?

Having unclouded your vision as much as possible, the second step in changing vicious patterns of idealization/ disappointment, is to seek healthy support. The Apostle Paul reminds us to “carry each other’s burdens.” (Galatians 6: 2) We need one another to offer insights and another perspective. We will always be biased; our trusted and mature friends can offer us invaluable insights. Notice that I emphasized the words, trusted and mature. If you seek advice from another lonely and wounded person, you’re going to get some pretty slanted counsel. Make sure you are surrounded by people capable of shedding helpful light on your blind spots—and yes, we all have blind spots.

Next, we must be willing to listen to our trusted support network. It is one thing to establish trusted friends, but quite another to listen to them. Trusted friends, with an unbiased perspective, can offer invaluable information. You don’t have to take their advice, of course, but if several voices offer the same concern, it’s time to take notice. If you’re still reeling from unhealed wounds, or love addiction, you may gloss over another’s weaknesses. You’ll need good counsel to discover and heal from this pattern. Do you have an open and teachable spirit?

Having cultivated objectivity, studying and understanding old patterns, make deliberate efforts to see the totality of the other person. Look at this other person as objectively as possible. What are their strengths/ weaknesses? What do they bring to the relationship? Do they bring skills and qualities that compliment you?

If you are struggling to decide whether a person is right for you, it can be helpful to make a list of their strengths and weaknesses. Prayerfully consider this list. Ask God to give you insight and conviction about the relationship. When we ask God for wisdom, thankfully He promises to give it to us generously. (Proverbs 2)

If you are in a relationship that feels healthy and mature, but are overly critical, forever finding faults, consider seeking professional help for your perfectionism. It is quite likely that you are demanding of yourself and project those same demands on your mate. Acceptance, of yourself and your mate, may be your tasks. Granting grace to yourself and your mate may be worthy goals.

Are you really ready for love? Don’t answer too quickly. To be ready for love you must be willing to accept your mate for who they are, warts and all. You must be able to see the other person for exactly who they are—no more, and no less. When you can honestly love their warts, and insist that they love yours, you may be ready for love.

Excerpted from It's a Jungle at Home: Survival Strategies for the Overwhelmed Mom by Debra White Smith. Published by Harvest House Publishers. Used with permission.
Excerpted from 9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make by Dr. David Hawkins. Published by Harvest House Publishers. Used with permission.

Marital Mayhem

From over a quarter century of working with couples, four principles have repeatedly surfaced as part of those marriages that fell apart. While you might not like what you hear, especially as it hits close to home, these lines of thought have contributed to countless broken families. Be warned.

1. Indulge Your SelfishnessThere are few guarantees in life. But if you're looking for a guaranteed way to wreck your marriage, never forget the cardinal rule: Marriage is all about your own personal happiness!
We teach our kids that it's better to give than to receive. But if you're paying attention to the messages coming from our society today, you could be excused for thinking that actually it's better to receive…and then receive again! We're supposed to look out for Number One, aren't we? Sometimes, getting our own way means stepping on a few people along the way…even if it's our spouse.
Of course, the other side of selfishness is selflessness. The selfless person says, "Whatever I can do for you is all that matters." But it seems that if you want to guarantee your own happiness, you need to operate on the "me" principle. It's about having life's table sloping towards me; the ebbs and flows of life must favour me. It's about getting my needs met and my desires gratified. It's about getting everything needed to please me.
If marital breakdown is what you want, never let go of your need to be satisfied first. Don't worry about what your spouse needs; they're on their own there. Live by this creed and you will be free from your spouse's expectations and demands. It's so natural to put yourself first. It's what we all do. It's often too big an effort to think about others first, so we don't.

2. Justify UnfaithfulnessThe next big step towards marital disaster can be summed up in the phrase, "What they don't know won't hurt them."
The thing to remember about unfaithfulness is that it's so easy to slip into. You may hear "unfaithfulness" and automatically jump to "affairs". Now, an affair is a great way to shipwreck a marriage, no doubt about it. But unfaithfulness comes in many more subtle forms. It doesn't start at the bedroom door, but in the windows of your mind. A look here, some lust there, maybe throw in a bit of pornography and a dose of flirtation with others, and you're well on your way before you even leave your spouse.
We live in a world where words like "faithfulness" and "commitment" are no longer in vogue. The idea of tying myself exclusively to another person for the rest of my life is viewed as archaic. Where's the freedom in that? Our sophisticated society regularly reminds us that if a relationship fails to bring me happiness (see point #1), the prudent thing to do is to discard it, or at least work around it. If my spouse isn't meeting my needs, simply find someone who will.
"For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, till death do us part…" Those words used to mean something. But in a culture that is quick to break its vows, perhaps a more honest pledge would be, "Till something better comes along, for as long as I feel like it, as long as we both shall love" - sad, and with tragic consequences.

3. Expect it to be EasyYou don't have to go looking for storms in your marriage; they will come to you. There are forces intent on destroying your relationship; so if you want it to go down in flames, you just need to stay out of their way and let them do their work. Allow yourself to be blindsided by life's difficulties.
The trials are inevitable. For some, it will come in the form of financial hardship. Others will face health struggles, meddlesome in-laws, wayward kids, communication problems, sexual problems or just a lack of connection. Troubles like these wreak the most havoc when they take us by surprise and we are completely unprepared for them. Remember: when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Just assume your married life will uncomplicated and problem-free; then when the crisis hits it will absolutely knock the wind out of your relationship.
Couples intent on surviving the storms of life prepare for them. They expect them to strike in one form or another, and when they do they are ready. Sometimes they even find that the trials draw them closer together! The ordeal becomes glue that binds them, rather than a wedge that drives them apart.
So if you're looking for a sure-fire way to mess up your relationship, assume that your marriage shouldn't have issues and adjustments. This denial will kill any hope of something solid ever developing.

4. Pursue the Quick FixBuilding a good marriage takes time and effort. But for some reason, many people think they shouldn't have to work on their relationship; it should just come easy.
Wouldn't it be great if life was like a sitcom? No matter what problem the character is facing, it's all wrapped up neat-and-tidy after 22 minutes. Adopt that mentality, and your marriage is doomed for sure. Demand instant change in everyone but yourself, and your marriage will buckle under the strain. If your marriage has a deep wound, don't attempt to heal it - just slap a Band-Aid on it and continue on your merry way. If you ignore the issue, it'll take care of itself. Sorry…wrong.
You see, becoming a good husband or wife requires change. It requires adjustment. Any change, especially and character change, takes time. A lot of time. For those who don't want a good marriage, the answer is simple: don't take the time, don't make the effort, don't make changes, and yet expect things to improve. It's like a flame: deny it oxygen, and it goes out. Think of time and effort as the oxygen in your relationship. Cut off the supply and watch the marriage shrivel.
Summary: We've approached this from the viewpoint of crisis, failure and breakdown. These principles work. They consistently mess up many marriages. If you see yourself in any of these four principles, take it as a warning and get the help you need. You will never regret making the effort to make your marriage work.


Copyright © 2006 FamilyLife Canada. FamilyLife, Canada is a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada
By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada . He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford , BC , and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing on CH Victoria, NOW TV (BC) and CH Hamilton ( Ontario ).